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The uniqueness of marriage customs within the Malay community in Sarawak shares many similarities with those practiced by the Malay community in Peninsular Malaysia. However, the terms used to describe each custom differ and carry their own distinct concepts. This includes traditional practices such as merasi, merisik, and the conduct of the wedding ceremony.

BEFORE MARRIAGE

The initial step before a wedding is the search and determination of a spouse, a process traditionally undertaken by the groom’s family, known as merasi in the Malay community.

MERASI

When a young man wishes to start a family, the first step is to clearly express this desire to his parents. He will then ask them to help find a suitable partner for him. In seeking and determining a suitable bride, the young man’s parents will delegate the task to a matchmaker to find an appropriate match. 

A matchmaker is typically a respected and experienced member of the community. Often, a village leader, imam, religious teacher, or even an educated person like a schoolteacher is asked to take on this role. The matchmaker’s responsibility is to identify a compatible young woman believed to be well-suited for the young man wishing to marry. Once a suitable bride has been identified, the matchmaker, acting as an intermediary for the groom’s family, will provide insights and opinions on the compatibility of the prospective bride to the young man’s family.

NGANGIN

After the effort to find and determine a compatible bride is successful, and with mutual agreement between the groom’s and bride’s families, a representative from the groom's family will make a formal inquiry and verification, known as kerisik kerimun, to the bride's family. The focus here is on confirming the status of the young woman who is intended to be matched with the young man from the groom’s family. Typically, the bride’s family will request some time to confirm and make their decision.

BERTEKUL (MERISIK)

The next custom is bertekul, or merisik, followed by the proposal ritual from the groom’s family to the bride’s family. Bertekul serves as a symbol and confirmation that the young woman has agreed to an engagement and marriage with the selected young man. However, the decision to proceed with the engagement ultimately depends on the bride’s readiness to be engaged. 

During the discussions between representatives of both families, matters such as the mas kahwin (dowry) amount and hantaran (gifts) are usually finalized. The engagement period and wedding date are also determined. As a symbol of agreement, barang tanda or tekul, in the form of dowry money, jewelry, and other valuable items such as a gold ring, diamond, or even a heritage keris (dagger), is given to the bride’s family. Additionally, the bride-to-be has a gold ring placed on her ring finger, symbolizing the acceptance of the engagement and proposal by her family.

PROPOSAL AND ENGAGEMENT

After the tekul has been given by the groom’s family and accepted by the bride’s family, the next ceremony before the wedding is the proposal and engagement. The groom’s family will send a proposal delegation on the agreed date, previously set when the tekul was presented. Typically, the groom’s side will send family representatives to formally propose to the bride. This delegation brings gifts (hantaran) for the bride’s family, which usually include cash, an engagement ring, high-quality clothing or fabric, shoes, handbags, and other items for the bride.

The bride’s family reciprocates with hantaran gifts for the groom, often including items such as clothing, traditional Malay attire (baju Melayu), prayer essentials like a prayer mat, shoes, and other accessories. The bride’s family’s gifts are usually more substantial in quantity and value compared to those from the groom’s side.

If the bride has an unmarried elder sister, the groom’s family is expected to present a gift, such as a gold ring or clothing, to her as well. This practice is known as langkah batang.

WEDDING

1. NIKAH

(a) Preparation

Preparing for a wedding ceremony typically involves extensive work and time. Tasks include arranging invitations, booking a Mak Andam (traditional beautician), securing the venue, organizing the menu, and deciding for the bridal attire, wedding platform (pelamin), and special guest invitations. The Mak Andam plays a crucial role in beautifying the bride and setting up the pelamin.

For the Malay community, the wedding ceremony is conducted following Islamic requirements while incorporating cultural beliefs and traditional customs. Thus, religious significance is emphasized in the akad nikah (marriage contract ceremony), although other customs, such as berlulut (applying scented powder), menepung tawar (blessing ceremony), bersanding (seated ceremony for the bride and groom), and makan nasi temuan (symbolic meal), are also included. The akad nikah is usually held a day before the bersanding, where the bride is officially pronounced as the groom's wife upon completion of the marriage contract.

The celebration includes open drum performances and festivities enjoyed by the entire village community. These celebrations begin a few nights before the wedding ceremony and continue for several nights afterward, sometimes lasting up to seven days and nights.

(b) Types of Nikah: Nikah Benar, Nikah Salah, Nyerah Diri, and Ngekot

Nikah Benar is a marriage conducted within the Malay community, based on Islamic teachings while simultaneously upholding Malay values, norms, and customs. The important stages begin with merisik (inquiry) and engagement, and both families give their blessings.

Meanwhile, Nikah Salah takes place when an unmarried couple is found to have behaved improperly and is forced to marry. The wedding ceremony is simple and modest. This type of marriage somewhat brings a negative image to both families, but marriage serves as a solution and closure to stop the improper behavior they had engaged in.

Nikah Nyerah Diri occurs when a man surrenders himself to the woman’s family due to insufficient finances to bear the wedding expenses. This situation arises when the woman he wishes to marry is from a wealthy background while the man and his family are less financially capable. The marriage will proceed, and the couple will be wed, but with a very simple celebration. The Nyerah Diri wedding method and ceremony are seen as potentially damaging to the woman’s family’s honor and image.

Meanwhile, Ngekot happens when a woman follows a man back to his home. She will stay for several days with the purpose of presenting herself to the man’s family, hoping they will marry her to him. This Ngekot behavior is not due to financial issues. Instead, it typically occurs when the woman’s family does not accept the man as their daughter’s choice and refuses to bless the marriage.

2. WEDDING CEREMONY AND BERSANDING

The menepung tawar or berlulut (blessing ceremony) for the bride and groom is usually held at night, the day before the bersanding (seated ceremony). During the berlulut ceremony, the berpacar or berinai (henna application) ritual often takes place as well. In this event, the bride is typically bathed by the Mak Andam (traditional beautician) in a ritual known as mandi perantan, which concludes with the bride taking wudhu (ablution). Throughout the ceremony, the event is enlivened with performances such as pencak silat (Malay martial arts), Malay drumming, traditional dances, and bertandak (a traditional form of dance and singing).

On the wedding day, the bride will be adorned and groomed by the Mak Andam, whose services are arranged in advance. The Mak Andam is usually given a gift or payment for her services. During the beautification process, the bride is reminded of important customs to follow. The bride is strictly prohibited from looking in a mirror during this time, as it is believed that doing so could cause her to lose her radiance throughout the wedding ceremony, especially when she is seated on the pelamin (bridal dais) with the groom. 

In Sarawakian Malay culture, the bride’s wedding attire commonly includes Kebaya Songket, a wedding dress made of silk with gold-thread embroidery, or Gajah Oleng, a traditional Sarawak Malay wedding outfit. For the groom, traditional attire typically resembles that of a warrior or hero, or consists of garments worn during the pilgrimage, such as a white or black robe and a turban.

Before the groom’s procession to the bride’s house, the groom’s family awaits the bride’s family sending a tikar mengkuang (woven mat) known as tikar ngambik pengantin to the groom’s house. This mat is wrapped with a tudung keringkam or selayah, embroidered with gold thread. The delivery of the mat signals that the bride’s family is ready to receive the groom’s procession. 

The groom’s procession to the bride’s house begins with the recitation of selawat Nabi (blessings upon the Prophet) three times by the entourage, accompanied by the beating of the kompang hadrah (traditional drums). The groom is usually transported in a beautifully decorated car or traditional boat (jong). Upon arrival at the bride’s house, the groom’s entourage is greeted with a pencak silat kapak performance as a symbolic opening of the doors. The groom is then escorted into the house to sit beside the bride, who is already seated on the pelamin. 

During the bersanding ceremony, a ritual called berjembak is performed, where the groom touches the bride's forehead with his thumb, along with a jejambak (a small, folded towel shaped like a flower and scented with fragrance). This act symbolizes the traditional custom of nullifying ablution between the bride and groom. Afterward, a prayer of blessing and selawat Nabi are recited by the guests to bless the newlyweds. The tepung tawar (blessing with scented powder) ceremony follows, performed by invited guests and family members from both sides, accompanied by kompang beats by the hadrah group. The final ceremony involves the bride and groom ascending and descending the house stairs seven times, each guided by their respective attendants.

In the evening or sometimes at night, the makan nasi temuan (symbolic meal) ceremony takes place. This ceremony aims to help the bride and groom become accustomed to married life and ease any shyness or awkwardness between them. The meal is shared with family members, relatives, and friends of the couple, fostering a sense of unity and support in their new journey together.

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