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Basically, the Iban community considers that once a single man reaches the age of 20, he is ready for marriage. By the age of 22, he is said to be truly prepared to start his own family. However, the same perception does not apply to young women in the community. There is no set age for single women to marry, and they are more open to taking on the responsibilities of a wife at any time.

The Iban place greater importance on marriages that adhere to all customs and traditions while avoiding breaches of customary law during the wedding ceremony. If a violation occurs, the family of the bride or groom must pay a stipulated fine. The fine serves to atone for the offense and prevent the newlyweds from encountering misfortune and disaster.

Generally, parents with many children in the family tend to delay their children’s marriages slightly, whether they are sons or daughters. Conversely, Iban families with fewer children are more inclined to marry off their children as soon as possible. This way, new members of the family can assist with specific tasks, particularly those involving farm work or family economic activities.

Nanya Indu / Inquiry

In the Iban community, the Nanya Indu custom can be defined as a step where the groom’s family expresses their intention to propose to a young woman from the bride’s family. This inquiry process is carried out after the young man has successfully gotten to know the young woman and gained her consent through the Ngayap process. During this phase, they learn about each other's character, leading to a mutual agreement to marry. However, there are two other methods for selecting a bride. The first is through an initial agreement between both sets of parents to arrange their children’s marriage. The second method, often used for inquiries, is when the groom’s parents independently decide to approach the bride’s family without prior consent. In other words, the groom’s parents have the final say in choosing the bride for their son.

Marriage within the Iban community is determined by the groom, and to proceed with the Nanya Indu custom, the groom’s parents or a family representative visits the bride’s family to express their intentions. This initial meeting and discussion are known as berbunga-bunga or berjarum-jarum. These terms reflect that discussions between both families take place in a harmonious, courteous, and friendly atmosphere, with beautifully refined and artistic language conveying intentions and mutual agreement. An initial consensus is sought, particularly regarding marriage conditions, including the berian (dowry), date for Ngambi Indu (engagement), and other requirements. Once an agreement is reached, the next step is for the groom’s family to send a delegation to formally propose to the bride on the agreed date and time.

Ngambi Indu / Engagement Inquiry

The Ngambi Indu custom is carried out by the groom’s side, which generally means taking the girl by seeking her agreement to become a fiancée and, eventually, a wife. This custom is carried out by visiting the girl’s family to invite the girl’s side to the groom’s home to formalize the engagement. Before leaving for the girl’s house, the groom must cleanse himself, apply fragrance, and dress neatly. By removing all impurities, it is believed that any misfortune and disaster during the journey and marriage process can be avoided.

During the journey to the girl’s house, whether by land or water, the groom’s entourage, typically consisting of five to 20 elders, will beat the gendang and tawak drums. This drumming is said to prevent interference from evil bird spirits, forest ghosts, and disruptive spirits from overhearing the conversations in the Ngambi Indu process. In the Ngambi Indu discussion, matters such as the date and time for the girl’s side to visit the groom’s home will be decided, along with other important matters regarding the engagement ceremony.

Melah Pinang / Engagement

The engagement custom in the Iban community is known as Melah Pinang, which means splitting the areca nut. During the Melah Pinang custom, matters regarding the berian (dowry) and marriage conditions in the Iban community will be refined by both the groom’s and bride’s families. Once an agreement is reached, the engagement symbol will be carried out by the groom’s father by removing the lapit from his waist, which is either a silver waist belt or a sword tied to his waist.

Betusut / Setting the Wedding Date

The Tuai Rumah (village head) will often be actively involved in the discussions between both families. The Tuai Rumah acts as the leader and mediator in discussions to ensure marriage conditions are fulfilled. Among the main conditions given attention is the customary prohibition that both the prospective groom and bride must not have any family ties. A fine may be imposed if they have a kinship relationship. The wedding date will be set once the groom’s parents agree with the requested berian or dowry amount from the prospective bride’s side. As a symbol of engagement, the areca nut splitting ceremony is held to mark mutual consent, and after that, the engaged girl is no longer allowed to associate with any other man except her fiancé.

WEDDING CEREMONY

The wedding ceremony, known as melah pinang, begins with the groom, dressed in the traditional attire of this ethnic group, being paraded in a procession by vehicle or jong to the bride’s house, accompanied by the beating of gongs. Their arrival is marked by a gunshot as a signal. The bride’s entourage joins the groom’s entourage at the river for a ceremonial bath together, symbolizing the beginning of kinship between the two families.

The wedding ceremony starts with a discussion in the ruai (communal hall) with servings of tuak (rice wine). The bride requests berian, which is the dowry in line with the customs of the village. Other ceremonial gifts include:

1. Pemecah tangga fee, consisting of an adze or axe

2. Pembuka pintu fee, which includes a spear

3. Pembuka kelambu fee, represented by a sword

4. Other appropriate gifts

In this ceremony, the areca nut is placed in a tepak sirih (betel container) before being split into several pieces. The number of nut slices represents the number of days the bride must stay at her husband’s home. These nut slices are then distributed to the guests before breakfast is served by the bride’s family. This completes the wedding ceremony in a harmonious manner. However, if there is a violation of Iban customs or conditions, the bride and groom are required to perform a river bathing ritual to cleanse themselves of the transgressions. During this ritual, the couple must hold a seven-yard-long cloth, which is believed to remove any errors made by each individual during the marriage.

After the river bath, the ceremony continues with the sacrifice of an animal, usually a pig, as an offering to atone for the couple’s sins. Afterward, the bride and groom may dress for their journey to the groom’s home. In a lively procession, a representative of the groom’s entourage carries several knotted ropes, symbolizing the duration of the wedding celebration. If the rope has five knots, the celebration will last for five days. These knotted ropes are typically handed over to the Tuai Rumah or the longhouse chief, who is responsible for untying one knot each day until all knots are released.

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